90210 S1E19: April Is The Cruelest Month

Awww yeah! Matthew Perry! In this episode, Brandon meets a new guy, and this guy writes a short story about killing his dad. Brandon becomes convinced that he is going to do it, but the joke’s on Brandon because really the guy wants to kill himself. I have a vivid memory of Matthew Perry holding a gun to his head in a pool house. I feel like this is the first 90210 episode I ever saw, so perhaps I saw the ones I’ve remembered thus far in reruns. The other SDYW girls and I used to watch 90210 in syndication when we were in high school.

Wow. Matthew Perry is so young! Here, he plays an overachiever named Roger Azarian that Brandon wants to interview for the school paper. Everyone is waiting for their SAT scores, and Brenda gets 1190: 630 math, 560 verbal. So this is the one where they get the same score, only reversed. Brandon gets 560 math, 630 verbal. Kelly gets a 1050. And everyone acts like an 1190 is a terrific score, which I don’t remember being the case.

Donna acts really weird whenever anyone mentions the SATs, so it becomes clear that she either bombed or got a perfect score. Brandon goes to Roger’s mansion to interview him and sees all the trappings of a charmed life, including a case of antique guns. Roger’s dad is charismatic, but Roger is uncomfortable around him. None of this is said aloud, it is just made obvious in their interaction. Roger hates the way his dad is always pulling strings and charming people into doing things for him – getting him into college, getting him an agent, blah blah blah. There is mention of “Roger’s screenplay,” which Roger then allows Brandon to read.

The screenplay is about a guy, who sounds suspiciously like Roger, plotting to kill his father. The more Brandon reads, the more he becomes convinced that Roger is going to kill his father. He then proceeds to tell everyone under the sun. Andrea blows him off, saying everyone has the urge to kill their parents. Donna is still acting weird. They have a test in class, and Donna doesn’t write a single thing in her blue book. She just sits there looking like she’s going to cry and then pretends that she has to go to the nurse.

Outside, Kelly and Brenda see Donna smoking with the riff-raff in the parking lot. Brenda is indignant. We cut to Roger at his therapist’s office, and he goes on about how he wishes his dad were dead. He returns home and gets one of his father’s guns, then bursts into his father’s office and shoots him. It’s all very dramatic, but it’s not real. It’s just Brandon’s imagination running wild as he reads.

Brandon corners Roger and they go back to his place. Brenda corners Donna at Fred Segal and forces her to admit that she got a 600, and she thinks she’s an idiot. Plus, her mom has told her she better find a rich guy because she’s too stupid to take care of herself. Yikes! I suddenly remember something about Donna being dyslexic.

And there it is. A well-meaning guidance counselor actually talks to Donna and figures out that she has a learning disability. Donna is resistant at first, but once she takes her first oral test she realizes she has nothing to be ashamed of.

Back at Roger’s house, his dad is pissed because his son didn’t get into Stanford. This leads to a terrible fight, and that night Brandon confronts Roger and learns that he doesn’t want to kill his dad. He wants to kill himself. There is a very emotional scene in which Roger cries and points a gun at himself in front of Brandon, but Brandon talks him down. And of course, Roger’s dad sees the error of his ways as well. In the end, a weeklong friendship with Brandon changes Roger’s entire life. Bitch please!

90210 S1E18: It's Only A Test

I really hope this is the SAT one. But it might be the breast cancer one. If it’s the SAT one, all I really remember is that Brandon and Brenda get the same scores, but reversed. If it’s the breast cancer one, Brenda finds a lump in her breast and there’s a whole lot of freaking out, but it turns out to be nothing.

Steve wants Brandon to take an SAT prep course, but Brandon doesn’t want to. He claims you can’t study for the SATs. Andrea is freaking out because she’s bad at standardized tests. While the girls are studying for the SATs, Kelly reads a magazine article about checking for breast cancer, so the girls do it even though Donna says it’s “something her mom does.” Brenda feels something, though she pretends she doesn’t. First the SATs, now this. The girl doesn’t have enough to worry about?

At home, Brenda tells her mom. Her mom feels her and agrees that there is something there. Brenda doesn’t want her dad to know because she’s embarrassed. Poor thing. Cindy puts up a good front but you can tell she’s also worried. Brenda’s doctor is awesome. She has a biopsy done, and learns that her lump is not a cyst.



Andrea asks Steve if she can study for the SATs with him, wanting to take advantage of an SAT prep course that she can’t afford. Is this the one where they almost kiss? Oh yeah, this is totally it! While studying, Andrea ends up lying on Steve’s bed, and he tells her she’s cute without her glasses. Then he kisses her. Woah! They make out for a bit, and then Andrea freaks out and runs away. Steve is weirdly turned on, and spends a few seconds sort of screaming in frustration after she leaves.

Andrea’s pants start like two inches below her breasts. Ouch. Brandon tells her Brenda’s secret even though he absolutely should not be doing so. What is he thinking? I understand that he needs someone to talk to, but jeez. But Brenda also tells Kelly and Donna. Much like Summer on The OC, Kelly started as an airhead bitch and is now a good person and a really good friend.

Dylan grabs Brenda in the hallway and she loses it. He blames the SATs and she bursts into tears. He tells her it’s only a test, and she finally tells him what’s going on. Dylan says that he’ll go with her, but she doesn’t want him to. She thinks this has changed things between them. That’s kind of a weird reaction. And then Dylan says he loves her.

It’s kinda sad. This should be a huge momentous occasion, but Brenda is too preoccupied to fully comprehend it. Instead, she shoves him away and says, “You’re only saying that.” But, after letting the afternoon marinate a bit, Brenda calls Dylan and tells him she loves him. On his answering machine. I already know these two are doomed, but this is like the foreshadowing of doom.

And there’s more foreshadowing! Brenda dreams that she’s dead and everyone is taking the SATs.
Kelly’s question is: “The thing I most want Brenda to leave me in her will is…”
A. her red pumps
B. her porcelain doll collection
C. her turquoise earrings
D. her boyfriend

And guess what she chooses?

I haven’t had a ton of medical experience, but does your general practitioner usually do your surgery? That seems a little odd. Brenda has her lump removed while everyone else takes the SATs. Brandon is too distracted, though, so he walks out on the test. Dylan shows up after going to five hospitals because Brenda didn’t tell him where to go. Then they all go home and wait, until they finally get the call that everything is ok. Phew!

90210 S1E17: Stand (Up) And Deliver

No memories.

Andrea suggests that Brandon run for student government. He is hesitant at first, but then agrees to run for president. Kelly and Donna suddenly find Brandon attractive because they view him as “powerful.” Brenda feels ignored by her friends and her parents. She feels like she doesn’t belong.

The girls go to an open mic night and Brenda identifies with a comedian named Sky who is kind of unconventional. She goes home and tells her parents all about how “performance-oriented coffeehouses are really happening,” but her parents are too busy making campaign posters for Brandon to care. Kelly decides that she’s going to run Brandon’s campaign, and Andrea is offended because she’s already his manager. But Kelly is popular, so obviously Brandon wants her.

Brenda starts to hang out with Sky, and learns that she’s a high school dropout. Brenda is impressed that Sky has “really lived.” Sky doesn’t exactly encourage Brenda to drop out, but she implies that it was the best thing she ever did. So Brenda decides to take her GED. She tells the school counselor, “I’ll just tell my parents I’m dropping out.” Yeah. That’s gonna go well.

Brenda is friendly with a dweeby guy named Michael, who it turns out is Brandon’s opponent. This is weird, because Andrea’s whole point in asking Brandon to run was that they don’t have to let the popular kids run the school. But this Michael kid is obviously not popular. WTF?

After she offers to house sit for Sky, Brenda goes home and tells her parents she’s moving out. My guess is that Sky isn’t quite as independent as she pretends, and Brenda will realize that she can’t be either. Brenda comes home to Sky’s one day and finds the apartment empty and a burly guy repossessing all of Sky’s possessions. Kelly shows up with a ton of people in tow for Brandon’s campaign party, and Brenda and Brandon get into a huge fight. And Kelly joins in. This episode is pretty ridiculous.

Brandon and Michael chat before the debate and Michael admits that he’s lost a bunch of elections before. Brendon is totally naive about the whole situation. He realizes suddenly that Michael is totally qualified, and then he gets crushed during the debate because he hasn’t spent enough time thinking about the issues or how he will implement his proposals. So Brandon drops out of the race in front of everyone.

Meanwhile, Dylan goes to Mexico to see his dad.

90210 S1E16: Fame Is Where You Find It

SDYW writer Alligator is visiting this weekend, so we’re tag-teaming this one: we’re both watching, but I’m writing and she’s embroidering. This is her memory: Brandon starts dating an actress after being asked to play a bit part on a TV show. And Brenda takes over his job at the Peach Pit and pretends to be some 1950s-esque waitress.

We open with some Brandon doing some fancy footwork on roller blades. And wearing huge blue kneepads. A kid in a black trench coat steals a woman’s purse and some girl calls him Kirk and threatens to turn him in. He pulls a switchblade. It’s all very serious… but it turns out they’re shooting an episode of a popular TV show. Apparently the guy cast as “surfer dude” is in the hospital with food poisoning, so when the director sees Brandon, they ask him to fill in.

I just looked down to type for a moment, and Alligator said, “Do you see this? Do you see this?” And I looked up and saw this:



Well actually, I saw a long shot of this outfit involving weird parachute pants. But it was hard to get a good photo of it. Yikes.

Anyway, Brandon meets the lead actress, Lydia, and falls for her. Shocking. He does a great job in his five seconds of fame, so they offer him a job as a recurring guest. Brenda is jealous because Keep It Together is her favorite show. Brandon asks Brenda to cover his shifts at the Peach Pit while he works on the show, and she’s a total bitch about it. But she does it anyway.

Nat tells Brandon not to get caught up in the “Hollywood hoopla,” so obviously he will. Brandon becomes super popular and girls fall all over him. A limo picks him up from school and people ask for his autograph. His first real day on the job, he is in a shot where he kisses Lydia about 100 times. And they pseudo-date, but Lydia is just using him to make her co-star and old boyfriend, Sean, jealous. Brandon is now 0 for 7. Alligator notes that he will continue to strike out until he meets Emily Valentine.



Brenda sucks as a waitress until she adopts the persona of Laverne, a ’50s-era career waitress complete with cat-eye glasses and a bad New York accent. Surprisingly, she’s great when she does this; she just needed a little confidence. She is straight outta Ed Debevics, for those who grew up in the Southwest.

90210 S1E15: Palm Springs Weekend

Apparently at this point I was just getting into 90210 … I had incredibly strong memory ties to the first two eps on this disc. The second two, I don’t recognize at all.

We open on Dylan and Brenda making out in his Porsche. He breaks the kiss and tells her he’s “dying.” They’ve been going out for two months and he’s been absolutely faithful to her but all he gets is “a bunch of promises and a lot of I’m sorry.” Poor Brenda apologizes and Dylan says, “Don’t be sorry. Be friendly.” What a dick. He then pressures her into having sex with him over Presidents Day weekend, a time when tradition deems that West Beverly High students go to Palm Springs.

When Steve’s plans fall through (his family’s second home is being fumigated), David gains serious points by offering up his grandparents’ mansion while they’re out of town. Brenda drives with Kelly and Donna, who plan to drop her off at Dylan’s hotel. David and Steve are in car #2. And Brandon is stuck at home because he has to work.

David gets a nasty shock when he finds his grandparents in their hot tub, and then gets embarrassed because they want to spend time with him. Also, they’re cooler than he is and his friends love them.

Brenda gets dropped off at the wrong hotel, and loses her wallet. A kind (attractive, male) hotel employee takes pity on her, and sets up a roll-away bed in a broom closet. Actually, he invites her to stay at his place, but she declines. Meanwhile, Dylan runs into an old (not so attractive, female) friend and when Brenda finally shows up at the right hotel, she finds Dylan and the girl in his room. So they get into a huge fight. Let’s just compare Brenda’s hotel employee and Dylan’s friend:



I think Brenda wins.

Regardless, she turns the tables and pressures Dylan right back, and the guy is totally shocked when she storms into his hotel room and demands that he take off his clothes so they can “get it over with.” Dylan says he doesn’t want to be pressured into it, and Brenda retorts, “Well now you know how it feels, don’t you?”

Back in Beverly Hills, Brandon is both irritated and charmed by Curtis, a mouthy blonde kid who spends an inordinate amount of time at the Peach Pit. Apparently the Peach Pit is supposed to be ridiculously cheap, because they make a point of showing Curtis paying for his meals in change. One night after closing up, Brandon realizes he has forgotten something and goes back inside only to find Curtis on a stool with his hand in the till.

Curtis admits that his family doesn’t have a place to live, and “people give us spare change so they don’t have to feel weird.” Brandon wraps up some food for him, and Curtis disappears into the night. I’m impressed – based on the 90210 I’ve seen thus far I would have expected Brandon to get mom a job waitressing at the Peach Pit. Although, he does tell Curtis to have his mom come in so they can “help or something.” Curtis just says, “I’ll be ok. Don’t worry.”