90210 S1E4: "I've made a ginormous mistake."

“The Bubble”

Fourth episode, and nary an ill-advised sexual encounter to be had. I think this may be the most boring teen “drama” I’ve ever seen. It’s certainly more wholesome than the original series.

Grandma Lucille becomes director of the school musical (what?), eventually being replaced by Brenda Walsh.

Naomi doesn’t understand why her mom puts up with her cheating son-of-a-bitch dad. With all her family issues, she’s like Marissa Cooper without a drinking problem. “Drama” occurs when Naomi snakes her dad’s BlackBerry and sees that he’s been talking to his girlfriend, Gail. Um, yeah, so? We already know they’re dating. Anyway, she confronts Gail only to learn that Gail loves dad, and dad has moved Gail to Beverly Hills and set her up in the family’s beach house.

Ethan asks Annie on a date. So does Ty. She accepts Ethan’s proposal and rejects Ty, so he’s like, “Whatever, I’m the richest hottest guy in school, NBD.” Ethan then stands Annie up. He has a decent reason, though – his brother Stephen has severe OCD (or is autistic? who knows, they don’t tell us) and loses his shit when the housekeeper moves their furniture around. Naomi stops by to complain about her dad and ends up calming Stephen down, reminding Ethan of all the good times they used to have. In the end, she makes a play to get him back and he agrees.

After being stood up by Ethan, Annie tries to win Ty back by baking him snickerdoodles. He’s standoffish until she kisses him, and then he’s all “Wow, you’re so fucking cute I can’t resist.” Seriously?

Meanwhile, it is ON between Silver and Dixon. There is lots of flirtation and they even chat about wanting to go out on a date…though they never actually make one. Also, the freeze between Naomi and Silver begins to thaw after Dixon claims that boys don’t hold grudges against each other and Silver sees the error of her ways. Obviously Dixon has never seen Dawson’s Creek.

Dixon gets a job at the Peach Pit and his big drama this episode is that his job interferes with his schoolwork. I know – makes for compelling viewing, right?

Finally, in what is possibly the most tedious “reveal” in TV history, we learn that Dylan is the father of Kelly’s child, and Brenda accuses Kelly of still being in love with him.

I don’t have much to say. This show is utterly lackluster, and all the characters remind me of others who have come before, but done a better job. That being said, the scenes from next week’s episode look mildly promising as far as drama goes, showing implied coitus that ends with Annie sobbing in a corner. Finally.

ANTM Cycle 11: Fear of Heights Edition

The focus this week is that half the girls in the house think Hannah is racist. When they’re all swimming in the pool, Hannah pushes Isis, kind of hard, for “getting in her personal space.” When Sheena and Brittany confront her about it later, Hannah says some nonsensical stuff about how she’s the “whitest white girl” and she just doesn’t like “urban things” like rap music. S&B talk to some of the other girls about this, and finally everyone sits down to have an intervention. They ask Hannah if she’s racist. She cries and says it’s “not very nice” of them to ask. A couple girls stand up for Hannah, saying it was just a misunderstanding. Hannah tells McKey that what the girls are doing to her “is like gang violence.” Meanwhile, Isis asks for Annaleigh’s help while taking her hormone injection, and afterward Annaleigh says she’s honored that Isis trusts her. It’s really sweet. At this point, it seems as though Hannah is the only one who still has a problem with Isis.

DURING THE LESSON
The girls learn about posing from Benny Ninja, and practice posing in fabric tubes. They’re not very good.

AT THE CHALLENGE
The girls pose with accessories by Tarina Tarantino, a jewelry and handbag designer. Most of them are terrible. Nikeysha, who still can’t keep her mouth shut, actually tells Tarina she might pee herself because she has to use the bathroom so badly. Elina wins the challenge.

DURING THE SHOOT
The girls pose on a rope ladder that leads up to a hot air balloon. The initial idea is for the ladder to be dangling from the balloon, but it is too windy. Instead, they anchor the ladder to the ground and digitally manipulate the photo. Lauren Brie, Elina, and Marjorie are fantastic. Joslyn is great. Everyone else struggles.

DURING PANEL
The amazing: Lauren Brie, Marjorie, Elina
The good: Hannah, Clark, Isis, Joslyn
The bad: Annaleigh, Samantha, Nikeysha, McKey, Sheena, Brittany

And something odd happens after panel. During her evaluation, Paulina asks Sheena if her boobs are real, and she says “of course.” Then, after every girl has been critiqued, Sheena comes forward again, visibly upset. Her manner is confrontational, and it seems like she’s going to say something stupid and get herself kicked off the show. Instead, she admits she had breast implants at a young age, and says she feels that it was a stupid choice. The judges commend her honesty.

IN PRIVATE DELIBERATION
The judges are absolutely blown away by Lauren Brie, Elina, and Marjorie. They even go so far as to agree (!) that Lauren Brie has taken possibly the best photo in the history of ANTM. They liken Elina to Angelina Jolie, and marvel at Marjorie’s ability to be a chameleon.

The first photo is Lauren Brie.
The bottom two are Isis and Nikeysha.
Nikeysha is eliminated … and even then, she tries to talk over Tyra.

Man, where did Lauren Brie come from? She looks totally plain when she’s not on a shoot. Her personality didn’t make an impression during the premiere. I don’t remember anything about her last shoot. And yet her photo this week was truly stunning. The shoulder that looks like it’s popped out of socket, the elegantly arched foot, her level of comfort on a swaying rope ladder … incredible. And of course, Marjorie and Elina were terrific as expected. Like the judges, I was pleased to witness Marjorie’s ability to change her photo personality along with her look. She just needs to pull it together during panel. She constantly looks like she’s cowering, about to burst into profuse apologies. Despite that, at this stage of the game it seems that these three are setting the bar way too high for the other girls to reach.

90210 S1E3: "It would be weird if you banged a teacher."

"Lucky Strike"

Boots here, with a clarification: I referred to the 90210 mom as “Celia” in the last post because even though I swore her name was Debbie the CW website said it was Celia. It’s not. It’s Debbie. But anyway, since I was watching Fringe on Tuesday Hans was kind enough to blog 90210 for me. But then, the CW re-aired the episode last night, so got to watch it. I actually thought it was better than the first … but still not good. And now, we go to Hans…

We don't need to get into a lot of details here. Tons of people watched the debut of 90210 last week. As some of you are aware, the ratings dropped drastically (30%) on the 2nd night because it wasn't that good. It's catty, full of gossip, pandering to teenage stereotypes, and full of tiny skinny girls who are 20 trying to look 15 (which they actually do a good job at). My response to that is, "eat a hamburger."

I don't want to summarize in great detail because I think that if you care about my reaction you've probably already seen the episode. Here's the quick and dirty. Parents want a family night on a Friday but the kids have stuff they'd rather do with their new Beverly Hills friends. The parents insist on going bowling, so to thwart their plan the kids invite all their Beverly Hills friends to show up at the bowling alley "randomly.” All these events occur in perfect order so the kids get their way and their parents let them do what they wanted to do in the first place. The only notables are that Silver and Dixon totally have crushes on each other, Ethan and Annie totally have crushes on each other that are doomed to work out this season but will play out later, and Naomi's dad is hooking up with some lady who lives out of town. Naomi's mom is completely OK with this because she has an open relationship with Naomi's dad because he's rich and gives her lots of shiny things. Naomi is messed up about it because she's 15 or something like that. Whatever, daddy bought her a car to make up for not taking her to Vegas so he could sleep with his GF from another state.

I don't have much to say as far as observations go. Kelly Taylor's kid is totally Steve Sanders' kid. He's blond and has curly hair. Tonight she said it was a, "friend from high school who showed up four years after high school and they hooked up." So it’s Brandon, Dylan, or Steve. I suppose it could be Dylan because obviously the guy is a total douche for leaving her high and dry with a kid, but I still think it's Steve because of the way the kid looks. [Boots says: I think it’s Dylan; Brandon is too responsible to leave Kelly alone with a kid and the kid's blondness means it's too obvious if it's Steve]. I’m sure we'll find out who the baby daddy is in the next two weeks or so.

Silver and Kelly's mom, Jackie, is a drunk. We know this from the original. Apparently she hasn't changed, except now she likes the drink more than the coke. I still don't know where she gets the money to live in Beverly Hills but that's a conversation for another night. They estimated Monica's apartment in Friends would have cost close to a million a month to rent in New York, so who cares about reality on TV right? Anyway, Dixon finds Silver sleeping in a car because Jackie is a maniac drunk. Debbie and Harry are the good parents so they help Silver out, but Harry tells Kelly what's going on. Kelly tries to talk to Jackie, but because she's just a drunk old beyotch she ends up throwing Silver out of the house. So Kelly takes Silver home with her. I can live with that kind of drama.

My reaction to all of this is pretty much what you'd expect. I want some more Brenda. At the very least I want to confirm she looks as old and haggard as she did in the first episode because she did! I want more Nat. Why no Peach Pit scenes? This show isn't totally stupid but it's kind of stupid. I guess I shouldn't expect more but it seems like a rip-off of something. They throw new, hip music in like the OC, but it seems more like junior high drama than typical TV high school drama. I want an unplanned pregnancy, an abortion, zits, fuck anything other than what I'm getting. Dixon said it best when he said that the family he's living with is the Cosbys. I suppose the Walshes were the Cosbys too, but seriously. It's not 1994 anymore. I need drama, I need hi-jinx, I need scandal, and I need teenagers acting irresponsibly. They'd better get this straight soon or I'm deleting this from my DVR and will resume patiently twiddling my thumbs for the return of Battlestar Galactica and Lost. Back to you, Boots…

What is the deal with these kids?!?! No drinking, no smoking, no casual sex ... and it's cool to go bowling and be in school musicals. I started to feel really sorry for Naomi in this episode. When she saw her dad making out with that woman in the parking lot, Adriana's all, “That’s not your mom.” Come on, writers, a little subtlety! What, just in case Naomi doesn’t know what her mom looks like, Adriana is there to helpfully remind her? If the writers can get their shit together, Naomi could be a really interesting character. I also enjoyed the Dixon-Silver flirtation. And, despite my own wishes, I am sucked in by the Ethan-Annie relationship. I mean, Ty ditches her and doesn’t even apologize, and the next morning Ethan texts just to say hi. Cute! And, when Ethan asks Annie to "get some air" at the bowling alley it was so awkward and adorable! I liked the fact the Jackie is still a drunk, despite all Kelly's attempts to help her in the original series. And finally, to soothe Hans’ ragged nerves, from the promo photos on the CW site it looks like Dixon will begin working at the Peach Pit in the next couple of episodes. I give it two more weeks … if it’s not better (or canceled) by then I will bid 90210 adieu. As EW says, “You know when Jennie Garth is still at the center of 90210, you’ve got to worry.”

Fringe S1E1: “Be careful what you wish for.”

Warning: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD! If you didn’t see the premiere, it will air again on Sunday. According to EW it averaged 9 million viewers, which is not great, but not terrible.

First off, let’s get the obvious Alias comparisons out of the way:
1. Smart, accomplished, feisty, rule-breaking federal agent: check
2. Dying/dead lover: check
3. Sexy partner with a shady past: check
4. Mad genius who could easily be either good or evil: check

Despite all of this, Fringe brings something new to the table. One, it is very, very funny. A nice mix of eerie ambiance and tongue-in-cheek humor. Quite good. Two, it marks the return of Joshua Jackson to my weekly routine, so I will follow it to the ends of the earth. I especially like the “location marks,” which is hard to describe but if you watched it, you know. Like most J.J. Abrams’ shows, it appears to be a fun & mysterious ride, and it is important to hop aboard from the beginning. However, it is also one of those shows that I feel like a raving lunatic recapping.

THE MAJOR PLAYERS



Olivia Dunham, sassy FBI agent.



John Scott, another FBI agent and Olivia’s lover.



Walter Bishop, mad scientist.



Peter Bishop, high school dropout with a genius IQ and father issues.



Phillip Broyles, inscrutable FBI agent and Olivia’s boss.

And William Bell, mysterious billionaire owner of Massive Dynamic.

THE RECAP
We open on a plane, where a guy shoots himself with an insulin pen and then everyone on board melts. It’s graphic, and pretty sickening. In the next scene, we see the very same dude hanging out in the background as federal agents swarm the plane. Hmmmm. Olivia has a negative first encounter with Broyles, the agent in change of their team. Broyles sends Olivia and John to check out a lead at a storage facility, and John is exposed to flesh-eating bacteria, which puts him in a coma and turns him into the human equivalent of the Visible Man doll. The special effects are great.

Desperate to save John, Olivia uncovers a connection to Walter Bishop, a mad scientist genius who specialized in “fringe science” for the government but was locked in an insane asylum for experimenting on human test subjects. She tracks down his son Peter, who she blackmails into helping her spring Walter from the asylum. She learns that in the seventies, Walter shared a lab with William Bell, now-billionaire owner of science & tech company Massive Dynamic. This smacks of the Dharma Initiative, and in fact there is a “commercial” for Massive Dynamics later in the program. Not my thing, but whatever.

Walter tells Olivia the fact that they can see through John’s skin is “not good.” For those in the know, Walter reminds me immensely of the character David Cronenberg played in the third season of Alias. We learn that Olivia was bluffing about having info to blackmail Peter with. BUT the bluff worked, so he clearly has some sort of shady past. The two also hit it off hardcore, so I’m thinking John’s got to die in order for the show to work the sexual tension.

Walter “connects” Olivia’s brain to John’s so that he can “tell” her what he saw at the storage facility. He has had luck questioning corpses this way in the past. “He wants to give you a drug overdose, put a metal rod in your head, and put you naked in a rusty tank of water,” Peter says in disbelief. Walter’s reply? “Well no, I don’t want to. I’d rather not. It’s just that I can.” And the delivery is impeccable.

It seems pretty clear at this point that the mystery guy is going to be related to this William Bell character. Turns out he’s twins, and one, named Steig, used to work for Bell. Olivia goes to Massive Dynamics and has a creepy interaction with a woman who pulls the skin off her forearm to expose a bionic arm. In this moment, the show crosses the line between “crazy but I’ll roll with it” to “utterly ridiculous.” The woman says mysterious things about “the pattern.”

Olivia talks to Broyles, who has decided she is worth something after all. He dangles a series of recent unexplained occurrences in front of her, refers to them as “the pattern,” and offers Olivia a spot on his top-secret team, saying she can “bring anyone she wants.” SD-6, anyone? She refuses. Meanwhile, Walter has figured out a way to save John, who comes out of his coma. Olivia questions Steig, who claims his work on the plane was done for the FBI. She finds an evidence tape Steig has hidden and discovers his FBI contact is none other than John! I’m actually surprised; I was expecting it to be Broyles.

John kills Steig and there is a big chase scene that culminates in his death. All that work saving him from flesh-eating bacteria, for naught. Though I knew John had to die, this is a tad anti-climactic. Before he bites it, he says to Olivia, “Ask yourself why Broyles sent you to the storage facility. Why you?”

In the end, Olivia decides to join Broyles’ team and asks Peter and his dad to stay in Boston – Walter’s experiments with Bell were just the beginning. So, I guess next week Peter will suddenly be a field agent or something. The final scene shows Bionic Arm Woman ordering a Massive Dynamics employee to “question” John’s corpse. Duh duh DUM!

ANTM Cycle 11: Wooo! Edition

Yes, this [unnecessarily] two-hour premiere was chock-full of skinny girls throwing their arms in the air and screaming “Woooo!” Set in Los Angeles this season, the premiere of ANTM had an unsettling “it’s 1950 but we’re pretending it’s 2010” retro-futuristic theme. I hope it does not continue because yikes, was it poorly executed.

Choice quotes of the night included:
“I come from a disadvantaged area but that doesn’t make what you could become”
“I’m Asian but my personality doesn’t match”
“My opinions aren’t close-minded, they’re traditional”

MEET THE MODELS
Shauran: can’t name a single fashion designer
Lauren Brie: blonde Barbie who describes herself as “exotic looking”
Analeigh: was a competitive figure skater
Clark: openly admits she will manipulate others to get ahead
Kacey: comes off as racist
Marjorie: French, looks indie, super insecure
Joslyn: has auditioned for ANTM 30 (!!!) times, super squeaky voice
Isis: transgendered beauty who was “born the wrong body”
Sheena: super confident, talks about herself a lot
Lindsey: too big to be a regular model, too small for plus-size
Brittany: is totally nondescript in every way
Hannah: grew up in Alaska with no electricity or running water
Elina: stunning vegan animal liberation activist lesbian
Nikeysha: says “heeey” too much, flashes the judges
McKey: tomboy who helps train her boyfriend, the cage fighter
Susan: Harvard English grad who can’t name a literary heroine
Samantha: California blonde who can’t name a single working model

They do a basic shoot, and Kacey, Lindsey, and Susan are chopped. The girls move into the loft and bombard Isis with questions. She is good-natured about it. Some of them are totally cool; others are completely freaked out. One girl says, “Walk around like that in a small town and you’d get shot.” Another says, ““My opinions aren’t close-minded, they’re traditional.” Sure they are.

AT THE CHALLENGE
The girls go to the Magic Castle and get one-on-one time with each of the judges. I kept hoping Neil Patrick Harris would make a cameo. I grow to like Sheena more than I expected. Isis does fantastically in her meeting with Nigel, though he comments that there is something “strange” about her. Supposedly the other judges don’t know about her situation until the judging room. Sure they don’t.

DURING THE SHOOT
The theme is “Voting Is Sexy.” Each girl portrays a political issue. The good: Marjorie (immigration), Brittany (military), Elina (foreign policy), and Isis (privacy). Shauran and a couple other bitches are involved in Isis’ shoot and they say nasty things to try to throw her off. She rocks it anyway.

DURING PANEL
Marjorie, Elina, Samantha, Analeigh, Brittany, Sheena, McKey, and Isis are praised.

The first photo is Marjorie. The bottom two are Shauran and Nikeysha. Shauran is eliminated and she completely loses it, falling to the ground and sobbing her heart out. Good riddance!