90210 S1E12: Hello, Goodbye, Amen

I tried. Really, I did. But 90210 never should have taken a winter hiatus because now I really don't care. I made it maybe one-third of the way through this episode before switching on my DVD player and returning to season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I give up.

90210 S1E11: That Which We Destroy

Well. If I had realized that 90210 would not be on again until January 6, I certainly would not have skipped it last night. Oops. Here is the TWOP recap instead.

90210 S1E10: Games People Play

“Payback’s a real bitch, isn’t it?”

FINALLY, the claws come out! Naomi, who spotted Annie and Ethan’s illicit make out session at the end of the previous episode, flies Annie’s ex-boyfriend Jason to Cali for a 16th birthday surprise. Then, when Jason can’t break up A&E, Naomi makes out with him during Annie’s birthday party and rigs it so A&E will catch them. Annie cries, forces Naomi to “take it outside,” and then whines about how hurt she is, but Naomi is unabashedly unapologetic. That is, until Harry & Tracy’s son appears on the doorstep, stunning them both into silence.

I was on the phone during the first 15 minutes or so, but I’m pretty sure Naomi’s new hottie didn’t make an appearance. Her newly straightened hair looks way better though.

Meanwhile, Ryan has been forced to take a paid leave after a student catches him kissing Kimberly. After a mass text message about it is sent to all BHH students, they decide he’s a sleaze. He is understandably upset. Kelly returns and kind of maybe tries to suggest that they pick up where they left off, but Kimberly interrupts them. Oh, and Kim nails her drug dealer, who was apparently a teacher (or administrator) at the school. It all seems very... simple.

In other news, Adriana meets Navid’s parents. His mom is the French girl from Summer School, FYI. Navid is embarrassed by his large, loud family, and by the fact that he’s a virgin. Adriana is sweet about both things.

Next week, Brenda tells Kelly that she slept with Ryan. For someone who is neither cute nor interesting, that guy sure gets around!

90210 S1E8: There’s No Place Like Homecoming

“Homecoming is everything that’s wrong with this place in stark relief.”

Ethan tells Annie he wants to ask her to homecoming but he can’t because it will hurt Naomi. She is all giggles and batted lashes. Really? Annie’s skirts are way too short and I can’t believe Debbie would go for that. But anyway, Naomi invites Annie over to get ready for the dance and they have fun. But when she sees them dancing together later, Naomi tells Annie that she can’t be friends with her and date Ethan. Annie chooses Naomi, but then makes out with Ethan in the parking lot. Classy.

Silver has made an appointment to get her wisdom teeth out on homecoming because she could care less about the dance, cause she’s indie and all that. Dixon plays it cool and comes over to hang out with her chipmunk-cheeked, high-on-Percocet self. When she realizes he really wants to go to the dance, though, she gets all dressed up, surprises him, and tells him to never be afraid to tell her things. They are totally cute as a couple. Where’s the strife?

Adriana goes to rehab. She is distraught because Naomi won’t return her calls. Navid keeps visiting her and bringing her stuff and is obviously in love with her. She doesn’t get it, and finally he screams that he likes her. Apparently they were friends when they were younger and he’s always loved her. Whatever. This is too out-of-the-blue, and doesn’t work very well. Naomi meets a hot young thug in detention. At first he’s all, “whatever, white girl,” but then she speaks fluent Spanish and he does a second take. He attempts to woo her at Homecoming and they dance, so hopefully he’ll be back on the scene in upcoming episodes. In the end, Naomi forgives Adriana. These kids are way too nice to each other.

Ryan catches Kimberly buying drugs at the dance and throws a hissy fit until she admits she’s a cop to shut him up. Then this happens, literally:

Ryan: How old are you?
Kimberly: I’m 25, why?
Ryan: grabs her and passionately kisses her

Ew! He did have a thing for her even when he thought she was a 16-year-old. PS, I learned on IMDB that Ryan Eggold, who plays teacher Ryan, is in reality one year older than Dustin Milligan, who plays Ethan. And it shows! What kind of casting is that?!?

Finally, Debbie gets fed up with Tracy and threatens to punch her in the face if she ever touches her husband again. Cindy Walsh would never do such a thing!

90210 S1E7: Hollywood Forever

“I also like tacos, welcome to school.”

The problem with being a highly organized blogger is that when you stock up on promo photos in advance, you have to deal with the fact that you are going to ruin surprises. But anyway, 90210 FINALLY stepped it up a notch this week. There was drama, there was intrigue, there was death and dismemberment. It was a marked improvement.

First: the Naomi/Adriana story. Adriana is now a full-blown cocaine addict. Naomi, who used to “dabble” in coke, recognizes the signs and offers to help. But Principal Harry has called the fuzz, and cops burst onto the scene to search everyone’s lockers. In a moment of pure stupidity, Naomi takes the coke from Adriana and runs, only to get caught flushing it down the toilet. She later explains that she assumed her daddy could buy her way out of it. Not so. As the episode continues and Naomi realizes the amount of shit she’s in, she begs Adriana to fess up. Ade agrees to meet Naomi and her parents at the lawyer’s office. Bitch please! I can’t believe Naomi fell for that. Naturally Adriana doesn’t show, and as the episode comes to a close we see an unconscious Adriana surrounded by paramedics as Naomi simultaneously leaves a furious message saying that Adriana is dead to her. Next episode: bring on the guilt!



Second: the Ryan/Kimberly story. New student Kimberly arrives at West Beverly, and she is sassy and cute. (She’s also Sue from Life As We Know It). And I know that she’s a brat in class, but Ryan is shockingly rude to her considering that he’s a teacher. She flirts with him, and though they have the same personality and make the same jokes, he shuts her down hard because, you know, he’s an adult and she’s not. But surprise! Kimberly is an undercover cop involved with the sting Harry has arranged (which, coincidentally, Ryan doesn’t believe in, and fights Harry on). Interesting developments could be afoot…



Third: the Dixon/Silver story. It’s Silver’s half-birthday, so she invites a bunch of people to a showing of Psycho at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. Dixon doesn’t like horror movies. Silver invites him over for “something he’s never done before.” And, side note, she’s painting the interior walls of the house black. Kelly’s gonna be pissed! Anyway, the “something” is “watching a horror movie marathon” and when Dixon falls asleep Silver gets upset, all “I tried to share something I love with you and you were a dick about it.” Blah. They make up. This storyline did give Dixon a chance for some amusing lines, though, which beefed up his character a bit.



Fourth: the Annie/Ethan story. Seven episodes, and I’m already over it. Annie and Ethan are paired together on the requisite “take care of a mechanical baby in health class” storyline. They go to the movie with Silver and Dixon, each assuring the other that it’s not a date. Finally, after a bunch of hemming and hawing, Ethan says it can’t be a date because he wouldn’t… and leans over to kiss her. They get within a ½ inch of each other before a scary movie moment causes the audience to shriek and they spring apart. I would prefer a little more buildup to them getting together. Where is the angst?



Fifth: the Harry/Debbie/Tracy story. Tracy has hired a private investigator to find their son. And she kisses Harry, who is horrified. The end.

This episode had some great little moments, but I think my favorite was when Annie finds her computerized baby crying in the bathroom corner, where she has left it. Debbie says, “Nobody puts baby in a corner,” and she and Harry giggle like children. Annie and Dixon stare at them blankly. It was one of the moments that could have been terrible had the children laughed too. As it was, it was pretty cute.

90210 S1E6: Model Behavior

“This isn’t The Parent Trap, Naomi.”

I read online that Dylan was supposed to make a surprise appearance tonight. He did not. And even though this show is so boring, I can’t stop watching it. Either the CW is doing something right, or I’m a masochist.

This week’s episode centers on a fashion show. What is with the ubiquity of the TV fashion show? My So-Called Life, The OC, Gilmore Girls, the list goes on and on. I personally have never gone to a school that hosted a fashion show. Am I sheltered?

Anyway, here’s the poop: Adriana won’t admit she has a drug problem. Annie tells Ty to never speak to her again. I guess Debbie suddenly has a job, because she’s working for a photographer. His assistant backs out of shooting the aforementioned fashion show, so Debbie begs for a shot. (Ha, “shot” get it?) Meanwhile, Dixon and Silver are blissful and making out in public. Navid is irritated. Annie somehow agrees to let Adriana help her assist during the fashion show, and then does several nice things for her during the course of the night (“because unlike you, I’m actually a nice person”). Adriana feels bad, and admits that she didn’t sleep with Ty. But then Adriana decides that Annie is a narc for her dad, and pushes her around (literally) before storming out of the party. Annie and Ty make up, but she tells him she just wants to be friends because she’s not ready for sex. I guess chaste dating is impossible in BH.

Meanwhile, Dylan calls Brenda from Wyoming. He wants to be with Kelly and Sammy, but not in Beverly Hills. But why, sage Ryan asks, did he call Brenda if he wanted to talk to you? Kelly accuses Brenda of going after Dylan. They argue, they make up, and later Brenda tearfully deletes Dylan’s number from her cell phone. Then she meets up with Ryan, whom Kelly has dumped. He hits on Brenda, and she goes with it. Snap!



Check out those hideous shoes! Naomi tries to get her parents back together. She fails, and then she and Ethan break up “for good this time.” If he and Annie get together immediately I’m gonna be pissed. Kelly goes to visit Dylan for two weeks and agrees to let Silver stay at her house alone. That seems like a bad idea. Adriana gets a new drug dealer, and the show ends with him welcoming her “to the big leagues.” Good grief.

One of the many problems with this show is the lack of a geek. At first I thought that was Navid’s role, but after he appears at the fashion show and three models descend on him within three seconds, I have to admit that I’m wrong. Everyone on this show is attractive and popular and desirable…and they all know it. I no longer trust the CW’s promotion of 90210, but having said that next week’s ep looks mildly promising, featuring Naomi getting arrested after taking the fall for Adriana, and someone yelling “She’s not even breathing!” Hmph. We’ll see.

90210 S1E5: "Not everyone is a ho-bot like you."

“Wide Awake and Dreaming”

And 90210 continues in its quest to be the most boring show on television. The implied sex from the commercials is part of the SCHOOL PLAY!

Annie is Adriana’s understudy for the school’s version of Spring Awakening, and Ade is missing rehearsals because she’s under a lot of pressure and is a drug addict. Harry catches Annie and Ty making out backstage, so Debbie has a poorly scripted sex talk with her daughter. The next day, Naomi joins the Annie & Silver at lunch for a chat. When did this happen? The girls tell Annie that Ty “has done everyone” and she’s next. Ethan and Naomi are blissfully happy. Silver tells Annie she’s not ready for sex.

Much like Cindy Walsh in the original 90210, Debbie’s character is kind of pointless. Harry is upset because he doesn’t want Annie to make the same mistakes that he made. I have to say I was wondering about this – they really glossed over the whole “I just found out I have a kid with another woman” storyline. Weird.



Before the play, Adriana’s mom reveals that she has invited a bunch of agents to see her daughter. Buckling under the pressure, Ade gets high and Brenda won’t let her perform. Annie takes her place. I’ve never seen Spring Awakening, but based on the fact that two teen characters have implied sex onstage and one song goes on about “the bitch of living” I do not believe it would be performed in a high school.

Annie asks Dixon for the condom he’s been carrying in his wallet for four years. You have to wonder about its efficacy. She then runs into Ethan, who has brought her flowers. She drops the condom, and Ethan tells her she cannot sleep with Ty. “Wouldn’t you rather save yourself for someone who cares about you?” he asks. “I tried that, it didn’t work out,” Annie sniffles with a meaningful look. Bitch please! These kids have known each other for, like, a month – if that.

At the hotel, Adriana shows up at Ty’s door. She tells him that Annie left the play with Ethan, and she saw the two of them making out. Ty is sad. Lemme guess what happens next. Downstairs, Silver finally attacks Dixon, and they make out on a pool lounge chair. Dixon is bummed that he gave away his condom, but Silver says it doesn’t matter because they’re going to take it slow.

Annie shows up to find Adriana in a towel and the shower running. Ade says that if Annie wants to wait, Ty is “just rinsing off.” Annie runs away. Adriana goes into the bathroom, and Ty isn’t even there. That’s pretty cruel. Annie goes home, puts on a happy face for her parents, and then collapses in tears in her bedroom.

** UPDATE
There is no fucking way Spring Awakening would be a school musical.

90210 S1E4: "I've made a ginormous mistake."

“The Bubble”

Fourth episode, and nary an ill-advised sexual encounter to be had. I think this may be the most boring teen “drama” I’ve ever seen. It’s certainly more wholesome than the original series.

Grandma Lucille becomes director of the school musical (what?), eventually being replaced by Brenda Walsh.

Naomi doesn’t understand why her mom puts up with her cheating son-of-a-bitch dad. With all her family issues, she’s like Marissa Cooper without a drinking problem. “Drama” occurs when Naomi snakes her dad’s BlackBerry and sees that he’s been talking to his girlfriend, Gail. Um, yeah, so? We already know they’re dating. Anyway, she confronts Gail only to learn that Gail loves dad, and dad has moved Gail to Beverly Hills and set her up in the family’s beach house.

Ethan asks Annie on a date. So does Ty. She accepts Ethan’s proposal and rejects Ty, so he’s like, “Whatever, I’m the richest hottest guy in school, NBD.” Ethan then stands Annie up. He has a decent reason, though – his brother Stephen has severe OCD (or is autistic? who knows, they don’t tell us) and loses his shit when the housekeeper moves their furniture around. Naomi stops by to complain about her dad and ends up calming Stephen down, reminding Ethan of all the good times they used to have. In the end, she makes a play to get him back and he agrees.

After being stood up by Ethan, Annie tries to win Ty back by baking him snickerdoodles. He’s standoffish until she kisses him, and then he’s all “Wow, you’re so fucking cute I can’t resist.” Seriously?

Meanwhile, it is ON between Silver and Dixon. There is lots of flirtation and they even chat about wanting to go out on a date…though they never actually make one. Also, the freeze between Naomi and Silver begins to thaw after Dixon claims that boys don’t hold grudges against each other and Silver sees the error of her ways. Obviously Dixon has never seen Dawson’s Creek.

Dixon gets a job at the Peach Pit and his big drama this episode is that his job interferes with his schoolwork. I know – makes for compelling viewing, right?

Finally, in what is possibly the most tedious “reveal” in TV history, we learn that Dylan is the father of Kelly’s child, and Brenda accuses Kelly of still being in love with him.

I don’t have much to say. This show is utterly lackluster, and all the characters remind me of others who have come before, but done a better job. That being said, the scenes from next week’s episode look mildly promising as far as drama goes, showing implied coitus that ends with Annie sobbing in a corner. Finally.

90210 S1E3: "It would be weird if you banged a teacher."

"Lucky Strike"

Boots here, with a clarification: I referred to the 90210 mom as “Celia” in the last post because even though I swore her name was Debbie the CW website said it was Celia. It’s not. It’s Debbie. But anyway, since I was watching Fringe on Tuesday Hans was kind enough to blog 90210 for me. But then, the CW re-aired the episode last night, so got to watch it. I actually thought it was better than the first … but still not good. And now, we go to Hans…

We don't need to get into a lot of details here. Tons of people watched the debut of 90210 last week. As some of you are aware, the ratings dropped drastically (30%) on the 2nd night because it wasn't that good. It's catty, full of gossip, pandering to teenage stereotypes, and full of tiny skinny girls who are 20 trying to look 15 (which they actually do a good job at). My response to that is, "eat a hamburger."

I don't want to summarize in great detail because I think that if you care about my reaction you've probably already seen the episode. Here's the quick and dirty. Parents want a family night on a Friday but the kids have stuff they'd rather do with their new Beverly Hills friends. The parents insist on going bowling, so to thwart their plan the kids invite all their Beverly Hills friends to show up at the bowling alley "randomly.” All these events occur in perfect order so the kids get their way and their parents let them do what they wanted to do in the first place. The only notables are that Silver and Dixon totally have crushes on each other, Ethan and Annie totally have crushes on each other that are doomed to work out this season but will play out later, and Naomi's dad is hooking up with some lady who lives out of town. Naomi's mom is completely OK with this because she has an open relationship with Naomi's dad because he's rich and gives her lots of shiny things. Naomi is messed up about it because she's 15 or something like that. Whatever, daddy bought her a car to make up for not taking her to Vegas so he could sleep with his GF from another state.

I don't have much to say as far as observations go. Kelly Taylor's kid is totally Steve Sanders' kid. He's blond and has curly hair. Tonight she said it was a, "friend from high school who showed up four years after high school and they hooked up." So it’s Brandon, Dylan, or Steve. I suppose it could be Dylan because obviously the guy is a total douche for leaving her high and dry with a kid, but I still think it's Steve because of the way the kid looks. [Boots says: I think it’s Dylan; Brandon is too responsible to leave Kelly alone with a kid and the kid's blondness means it's too obvious if it's Steve]. I’m sure we'll find out who the baby daddy is in the next two weeks or so.

Silver and Kelly's mom, Jackie, is a drunk. We know this from the original. Apparently she hasn't changed, except now she likes the drink more than the coke. I still don't know where she gets the money to live in Beverly Hills but that's a conversation for another night. They estimated Monica's apartment in Friends would have cost close to a million a month to rent in New York, so who cares about reality on TV right? Anyway, Dixon finds Silver sleeping in a car because Jackie is a maniac drunk. Debbie and Harry are the good parents so they help Silver out, but Harry tells Kelly what's going on. Kelly tries to talk to Jackie, but because she's just a drunk old beyotch she ends up throwing Silver out of the house. So Kelly takes Silver home with her. I can live with that kind of drama.

My reaction to all of this is pretty much what you'd expect. I want some more Brenda. At the very least I want to confirm she looks as old and haggard as she did in the first episode because she did! I want more Nat. Why no Peach Pit scenes? This show isn't totally stupid but it's kind of stupid. I guess I shouldn't expect more but it seems like a rip-off of something. They throw new, hip music in like the OC, but it seems more like junior high drama than typical TV high school drama. I want an unplanned pregnancy, an abortion, zits, fuck anything other than what I'm getting. Dixon said it best when he said that the family he's living with is the Cosbys. I suppose the Walshes were the Cosbys too, but seriously. It's not 1994 anymore. I need drama, I need hi-jinx, I need scandal, and I need teenagers acting irresponsibly. They'd better get this straight soon or I'm deleting this from my DVR and will resume patiently twiddling my thumbs for the return of Battlestar Galactica and Lost. Back to you, Boots…

What is the deal with these kids?!?! No drinking, no smoking, no casual sex ... and it's cool to go bowling and be in school musicals. I started to feel really sorry for Naomi in this episode. When she saw her dad making out with that woman in the parking lot, Adriana's all, “That’s not your mom.” Come on, writers, a little subtlety! What, just in case Naomi doesn’t know what her mom looks like, Adriana is there to helpfully remind her? If the writers can get their shit together, Naomi could be a really interesting character. I also enjoyed the Dixon-Silver flirtation. And, despite my own wishes, I am sucked in by the Ethan-Annie relationship. I mean, Ty ditches her and doesn’t even apologize, and the next morning Ethan texts just to say hi. Cute! And, when Ethan asks Annie to "get some air" at the bowling alley it was so awkward and adorable! I liked the fact the Jackie is still a drunk, despite all Kelly's attempts to help her in the original series. And finally, to soothe Hans’ ragged nerves, from the promo photos on the CW site it looks like Dixon will begin working at the Peach Pit in the next couple of episodes. I give it two more weeks … if it’s not better (or canceled) by then I will bid 90210 adieu. As EW says, “You know when Jennie Garth is still at the center of 90210, you’ve got to worry.”

90210 S1E1-2: "It's like Pretty Woman, only I'm not a whore."

Boots’ verdict: This is pretty bad huh?
Hans’ verdict: Bad in a really delicious way.

We open with a family in a car. White dad, white mom, white daughter, black son. Bam! Right off the bat – a nod to Steve Sanders, adopted kid. The Wilson family moves from Kansas to Beverly Hills to care for alcoholic, washed-up ex-celebrity Grandma Tabitha (Arrested Development’s Jessica Walther, whose character is basically the same as boozy Lucille Bluth). Dad Harry is going to be the new principal at West Beverly. Mom Celia doesn’t appear to have a job. The Brandon & Brenda of our modern-day reinterpretation are Dixon & Annie.

There are a LOT of secondary characters. They are:



Ethan: golden boy, dating popular rich girl Naomi but cheating on her. On lacrosse team with Dixon. And he surfs. Could be a lot cuter.

Naomi: Rich and spoiled, but has an implied depth. Initially nice to Annie, but then turns on her. Dating Ethan, but hooks up with a lacrosse teammate once she learns that Ethan has cheated on her.

Silver: the “indie chick.” Runs a super catty blog. Used to be BFF with Naomi until Silver’s dad cheated on her mom, she confided in Naomi, and Naomi told everyone. The two now hate one another. After a brief period of friction, Silver befriends new girl Annie. Silver is also Kelly Taylor’s sister. At first I thought her name was an obvious nod to David Silver, but didn’t Kelly’s mom and David’s dad end up together? And if so, wouldn’t this girl’s name be Silver Silver? It boggles the mind.



Navid: reporter for the school newspaper and Dixon’s new BFF. Dad is a famous porn producer.



Adriana: drama-club girl, Naomi’s friend, drug addict. Says she supports her family with money made from bit parts in films.



Ty: extremely wealthy, extraordinarily pretty. Like a cross between Chace Crawford and Tom Welling. Lead in the school musical. Likes Annie, and flies her to San Francisco on his private jet for their first date.



Mr. Matthews (Ryan): Hottie McHotsalot English teacher. Funny, goofball personality. Has a thing for Kelly Taylor.



Kelly Taylor: school guidance counselor. Has a 4-year-old son. We don’t know who the dad is, unless we do from the original 90210 and it’s just me who doesn’t know. Kelly is Silver’s sister.

Also, not pictured on the CW site, we have…

George: in looks, a total Steve Sanders. Curly blonde hair, biceps, polo shirts. However, this guy is a class-A jock asshole and a lacrosse player whom Dixon beats out for a spot on the team.

Tracy: Naomi’s mom and Harry’s ex from high school. Within the first hour she drops the bomb that she got pregnant with Harry’s kid and secretly gave it up for adoption. Thankfully he tells Celia immediately, but the premiere ends without them making a clear decision about what to do.

You know you’re getting old when Rob Estes is the hottest male on a teen show.



The actual plotlines were not very interesting so I’ll spare you. It is clear that the main thrust of the show (or at least this season) is the “will they-won’t they” relationship between Annie and Ethan. A quick recap: the two met a few years back while she was visiting Grandma, and he kissed her. She is excited to see him again, but almost immediately discovers him getting a BJ from a girl who is not his girlfriend. She is then inadvertently responsible for Naomi finding out. After an attempted reconciliation, Ethan realizes he doesn’t want Naomi anymore, and goes to talk to Annie. She tells him about her date with Ty, he tells her about breaking up with Naomi.

Then, they reminisce about the first time they met, and how they won an octopus in a bottle-tossing game. She asks what happened to it, he says “it probably dissolved or something.” Now, come on. What is this octopus made of, gelatin? At that moment it is clear that Ethan has been cherishing the octopus for the past two years. And sure enough, in the sweetly heartbreaking finale, Ethan comes bouncing up the Wilson’s driveway, octopus in hand, only to find Annie and Ty kissing on the front steps.

An ending sure to win over my grizzled heart? Yes. But overall this premiere didn’t do much for me. Shockingly, I felt that the music was seriously lacking. Perhaps I was spoiled by the OC. Hans, who enjoyed the premiere, called it “a delicious guilty pleasure,” but I’m not sure the pleasure was worth the guilt. What did you guys think?

OTHER NOTES
I am discomfited to see that the incestuous overtones between bro & sis have crossed over – B&B used to have nightly chats in their underwear, A&D do it lying next to each other in bed.

The Peach Pit, still owned by Nat, is now a coffee shop/diner with a clean, elegant new logo. All the high school kids hang out there.

In journalism class, a girl introduces herself as “Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez.” Then there’s a really stupid joke about her looking 30.

Brenda returns to town “for a play.” She and Kelly are delighted to see each other. While catching up, Brenda says that Brandon is “in Belize,” but they don’t mention anyone else.