90210 S2E11: Leading From The Heart

Kelly falls for Brenda's paraplegic cousin.

This is a good episode, but there’s not a lot to say. The twins’ cousin Bobby, who is paraplegic, visits Beverly Hills. He and Kelly hit it off, but when she takes him to a party he gets uncomfortable. He has to be carried up the stairs, he can’t dance with Kelly, and some girl trips over him and spills her drink on his shirt. Kelly dances with the party host, and Bobby gets upset and leaves. Kelly is confused, and of course her judgmental friends are all, “Way to go Kel,” and “You must have done something to upset him!”

When Kelly goes to talk to Bobby, he says the girls he meets never stick around. Kelly’s like “Stop freaking out, we went on one date, why are you putting all these expectations on me, I’ve only known you for two days.” Finally, someone speaks up about the ridiculous expectations on this show!

In other news, this ep also includes a totally unnecessary scene in which Brandon cries and says it’s his fault that Bobby is in a wheelchair because he dared him to do a ski jump. It’s awkward.

90210 S2E10: Necessity Is A Mother

I am getting really bored with 90210, folks.

Dylan’s mom has been in town for a while and is getting on his nerves. She’s a new-age-meditation type described as a “space case.” He starts drinking again, is totally irritable, and blows everything off. One night, he shows up drunk at the Walsh home and everyone freaks out. Brenda blames Dylan’s mom, and Brandon says, “She didn’t pour the booze down his throat.” Dylan then comes to school drunk, and Brenda tells Brandon he can’t let Dylan drink. Because of course it’s Brandon’s responsibility. Kelly serves as the voice of reason in this situation, telling Brenda she can’t help Dylan. He has to decide to help himself.

Now this, I like. Brandon doesn’t want Dylan to drive drunk, so he offers to take him anywhere he wants to go. Dylan wants to go to a bar, so then Brandon is forced to watch him get wasted and lose money playing pool. Back at the Walsh home, in a super OC moment, Iris tells Cindy she can’t handle this. Cindy says she has no choice, she’s his mom. Iris rolls her eyes. Jim forbids Brenda from seeing Dylan for the second (??) time. In the end, Iris moves back to Hawaii, giving Dylan his “freedom.” However, they agree to try to build a real relationship.

In other news, Donna does exceptionally well during a stock market game in Economics class, and Steve convinces her to take all of her savings and do it for real. Kelly keeps using the word “stupid,” as in “Don’t be stupid” or “This is stupid.” And we all know that Donna doesn’t respond well to that word. Steve and Donna do well at first, but then Donna wants to sell and Steve doesn’t. Instead, Steve takes stock tips from someone named “Bernie Goldfinger.” The stock plummets and Steve blames Donna, saying he shouldn’t have listened to her stupid ideas. But surprise! Donna sold her stock and made a lot of money. She tells Steve and Kelly never to call her stupid again.

90210 S2E9: Ashes To Ashes

An attempt to create a neighborhood patrol leads to race hate and violence.

Awww yeah! Race hate and violence! A neighborhood association meeting at the Walsh home prompts Cindy to install an alarm system, which then continually goes off at unexpected times. A new black family moves to the neighborhood and the neighbors are suspicious. Brandon and older sister Charise (Vivica A. Fox) hit it off, but in a friendly way. Shocking that Brandon doesn’t have romantic notions. Perhaps Emily Valentine has changed him.

Charise’s boyfriend Devo comes to see her and gets “arrested” by the neighborhood patrol even though he’s just walking down the street. The younger brother, Robinson, becomes the photographer for the West Beverly Blaze. As a former high school newspaper editor, I would not be too jazzed about a photog whose best photos look like this:



That's not just me taking a bad photo of the TV. There is actually a hand in front of the guy's face. Anyway, the ep is full of people being both intentionally racist, and “accidentally” racist. Brandon wants to write an expose for the paper, but the Ashe family would rather forget the whole thing. He goes to the “hood” to see Devo and almost gets beat up, but Devo saves him. Devo says the story isn’t a “story” because it happens all of the time.

In the end, Brandon publishes his expose. The ep ends with Dylan quoting aloud from the article: “It’s when we stop looking at the human race as individuals, we as a generation are in trouble.” He then says, “Eloquently put, man.”

90210 S2E8: Wild Fire

Brandon and Dylan both make a date with the same girl – wild new student Emily Valentine – and Brenda’s jealousy prompts her to rethink her feelings for Dylan.

We open on Brandon having a fantasy in which he is relaxing on the beach with three girls in swimsuits fawning over him. One of them is giving him a pedicure, and is filing his toenails. Nice fantasy, Brandon.

Anyway, it’s the first day of school. I guess they are seniors now. There is a cute montage of everyone getting dressed and hating what they see in the mirror. At school, Dylan meets new student Emily Valentine when she roars up on her motorcycle. Torn jeans, leather jacket, skeleton earrings, short and spiky blonde hair, guitar slung on her back. If that’s not wild, I don’t know what is.

Dylan asks her out. Minutes later, she meets Brandon, who also asks her out. She goes out with both boys, making no attempt to hide that fact, and they are both cool with it. When Brandon discovers he really likes her, Dylan backs off.

Meanwhile, Emily becomes friends with the girls until they learn that she went on a date with Dylan. Brenda proceeds to completely ostracize Emily from the group, and the girls talk about what a slut she is. Excuse me, but isn’t Kelly calling anyone a slut like the pot calling the kettle black? In a truly fantastic moment, Brenda uses her bitchiest voice to tell Emily to “have fun at the gynecologist.”

Emily is hurt, of course, and when Brenda finally gets around to apologizing, Emily admits she’s a virgin. In one of the Season 2 special features (yes, I watched them first), Christine Elise says her best scenes were with Brenda because she felt strong-armed by Shannen Doherty in real life. Those tears? Those are real.

In the end, Brenda realizes she’s not willing to lose Dylan, and they get back together.

In other news, Scott returns from Oklahoma a cowboy-hat-wearing, country-music-listening dude, and David realizes that they are growing apart.

90210 S2E7: Camping Trip

The gang heads up to Yosemite on what turns out to be a totally doomed camping trip. Stuck in the rain, the gang makes some unexpected friends – and encounters unexpected danger.

Totally doomed? More like totally boring. The gang goes camping but gets rained out and has to stay is a leaky cabin. Boo-hoo. Next door a couple of newlyweds get into a fight when he says he doesn’t want kids. You’d think this would be something you’d discuss BEFORE getting married, but whatever. It allows Kelly, Steve, and Dylan to go on and on about being children affected by divorce.

Like me, Dylan gets fed up with it all. So, he spends the night sleeping draped over a boulder after drinking two little airplane bottles of alcohol he swiped from the newlyweds’ cabin. Oh no! Dylan is off the wagon! The next morning Brandon finds him and they go for a hike. Brandon slips and almost falls off a mountain, but Dylan saves him. The end.

90210 S2E6: Pass, Not Pass

Brenda and Andrea clash over their mutual interest in their hot acting teacher, whose interest in one of the girls surprises them both.

Brenda and Andrea both have a crush on their acting teacher, Chris Suitor. They both think he likes Brenda, even though he totally flirts with Andrea when they run into each other at a bookstore. The girls both stalk him at the Peach Pit, and all three end up hanging out. It becomes painfully clear that Chris likes Andrea, and Brenda gets super jealous. The girls have to do a dramatic scene together for their final project in drama class, and instead of fake-slapping Andrea, Brenda hauls off and whacks her for real. Andrea cries, but instead of apologizing Brenda’s like, “Whatever bitch, you deserve it for stealing Chris from me.” Andrea’s reply? “You can’t steal something someone doesn’t have in the first place.”

Andrea and Chris make out until he finally admits that he has a girlfriend back home. Andrea is crushed, but Chris is all, “Whatever, silly child, you’re my student.” As though he hadn’t been making out with her this whole time. Whatta douche.

Meanwhile, Brandon finally buys his dream Mustang only to find out it’s a lemon. The poor naive thing “just can’t believe some people make a living ripping off other people!” Jim is totally unsympathetic (rightly so), saying Brandon should have checked the car out before buying it. Hurrah!

Since summer is over and his beach club job has ended, Brandon tries to get his Peach Pit job back, but Nat has hired Lucy Liu (!!), who is a super efficient waitress. Nat strings Brandon along for a while, then finally admits that Lucy is going back to college so of course Brandon can have his job back. And Jim pays for Brandon’s new car to be fixed. Puh-leeze.

Side note: at this point David and Donna are becoming awfully friendly…

90210 S2E5: Play It Again, David

Kelly is mortified when her mother starts dating David’s father and plots to break up the new couple, while Brandon, who is mentoring a local boy, discovers that his “little brother” may be hiding a dark secret.

Kelly, Brenda, and Jackie (K’s mom) are having lunch at the club when Jackie breaks a tooth. In swoops the charming & funny Mel, “Beverly Hills’ third best oral surgeon.” Jackie and Mel hit it off instantly, and Kelly is horrified to learn that he is David Silver’s father. She plots a way to break them up, acting like a huge brat when they all go to dinner. Her mom wonders why Kelly doesn’t want her to be happy, and Kel realizes what a dope she’s being. BORING!

Meanwhile, Brandon acts as a “Big Brother” to a kid named Felix. He discovers Felix has a bunch of bruises, and Felix admits that his mom hit him. Instead of going to the police, or social services, Brandon goes to Felix’s mom, who claims she’s never done it before. She’d been drinking, and she got upset. He helps her get into an unspecified “program,” and Felix is sent to a group home. And that’s the end.

This episode was lame.

90210 S2E4: Anaconda

After an illegal late-night poker game, Brandon and Dylan clash over a break-in at the beach club.

Dylan is having money troubles. His mom has offered to let him live with her in Hawaii, but he doesn’t want to go. He starts hocking his belongings at a pawnshop to stay afloat. Meanwhile, Brandon is convinced to let Steve and some other dudes into the beach club after hours to play poker. One guy tells the story of these “legendary” nights that occurred in the past, during which the guys would dress like they were in the ‘40s and bring beautiful girls along for good luck and play for “real money.” Steve is inspired, and sets up his own legendary night.

Dylan shows up, uninvited, and proceeds to lose all of his money. He leaves separately from the rest of them. The next day, Brandon learns that the beach club has been robbed – all of the electronics from the room they were in are gone. Brandon admits that he let some friends into the club that night.

Later, Brandon finds a ticket to Hawaii while digging through Dylan’s stuff (because he doesn’t trust him) and assumes that Dylan robbed the club. The detective shows up and sees an amp and a fax machine in Dylan’s Porsche, so she takes him down to the station. They let him go, though, and in the end we learn that the real perpetrators were the men of the Seashell Laundry Service. Dylan’s mom bought him the place ticket, and he leaves for Hawaii after making amends with Brandon.

90210 S2E3: Summer Storm

Dylan, injured in a surfing accident, stays with the Walshes during his recovery – until Jim Walsh kicks him out for kissing Brenda!

OMG! The same generic beach club opener with the same extras AGAIN! I guess the viewer wouldn’t notice this when watching it the first time around, but when you watch a couple of episodes in a row it becomes painfully apparent. Anyway, Dylan gets a mild concussion and cracks a few ribs while surfing. Cindy feels bad that the poor boy has no parents, so she invites him to stay at the Walsh home. In Brandon’s room. Which shares a bathroom with Brenda’s room. Real smart.

Of course the two run into each other in the middle of the night when they both have to use the bathroom. Dylan is shirtless and Brenda is in shortie pajamas. There is palpable tension. Later, Brenda comes home to find Dylan on the sofa. He asks her to do a variety of things for him (get him a sandwich, get his book) and she gets irritated. “Anything else?” she asks snottily. “You,” he replies.

So, Little Miss “I Need Space” attacks him and they make out on the couch until Jim comes home and catches them. He kicks Dylan out, so Dylan breaks into a cabana at the beach club and has a soft focus flashback to his childhood, when he and his father actually got along. He sobs himself to sleep.

The next day, Brandon finds Dylan, who we learn that is not a big fan of his mom. She’s a “flake” who was “never there for him.” Eventually Dylan and Jim come to terms after Brenda cries a lot and tells her dad how much she cares for Dylan. Dylan writes his dad a letter that basically says he doesn’t believe in him but he still needs a dad.

Meanwhile, Kelly falls for Kyle (David Lascher), who is obviously gay. In the end, he admits that he’s gay. With the other girls in summer school, Kelly doesn’t have anyone to hang out with except her mom, whom she tries to convince to start dating again. Donna and David are assigned to do a scene from Romeo & Juliet in drama class, and they are both terrible so David comes up with the idea to swap roles. I wouldn’t think this meant they were suddenly good actors, but the class loves it. However, their teacher does tell them it was a cop-out.

90210 S2E2: The Party Fish

Brandon begins to realize his new job might harbor unexpected hazards when a budding friendship with an influential sports promoter becomes more complicated than Brandon even could have foreseen.

Wow, this episode begins with the exact same generic “beach club” shots that were in the last episode. So apparently the wealthy folk who can afford to be beach club members can’t afford to wear different items of clothing. In this ep, Brandon meets club member and sports promoter Jerry Rattinger. He also develops a crush on an older woman named Sandy who works at the club. Meanwhile, Dylan pretends that his breakup with Brenda is no big deal. Also, because of the whole drama class business they’re always shooting in school even though it’s summer. And Kelly always seems to be around, which makes no sense because she’s not taking summer school.

Steve invites Brandon to the grunion run, saying, “Donna will be there, Kelly, Dushane, Linda, Kyle, everybody!” I’m sorry, but who the hell is Dushane? Not to mention Linda and Kyle? Not only that, but what kind of name is Dushane? Who wrote this episode? Later, after a party at the beach club, Sandy is offended that Brandon didn’t introduce her to his parents. Craaaazy.

Brandon and Sandy sort of date until Dylan “warns” him about her. It is unclear what the warning is. Snippily, Brandon asks if Dylan “warned” Brenda before he broke her heart. Dylan’s reply? “You got that flipped around.” Moments later, a tearful Sandy breaks a date with Brandon. And then Rattinger offers to buy Brandon a car in exchange for some work that Brandon will do for him. Jim is not ok with this, and Brenda points out that it is weird that Rattinger is offering Brandon money for nothing. Brandon doesn’t see why.

Eventually, Brandon learns that Rattinger uses young men to keep his wife happy while he enjoys dalliances with young beach club ladies, and now he’s trying to “get back” with Sandy. Brandon finds Sandy going up to Rattinger’s cabana and gives her a taste of that special Walsh prudishness. She tells him he can’t judge her because he knows nothing about her. In the end, Sandy goes to live with her mother in San Luis Obispo, and Brandon learns another valuable lesson about trusting the rich.

90210 Season 2

I’m bored of trying to remember what happened in these episodes, plus I’m learning that I don’t remember the show as well as I thought. So I’m abandoning that thread. The new intros will be taken verbatim from the DVD packaging, exclamation points and all. Here’s what we apparently have to look forward to in the “season where things really start to sizzle”:

1. The gang meets Color Me Badd!

That should be quite enough to keep you interested, but if not, here’s more:

2. The introduction of Emily Valentine
3. Brenda’s pregnancy scare
4. “Race hate and violence”
5. Kelly falls for Brenda’s paraplegic cousin
7. Scott kills himself (sparklers will always remind me of this episode)
8. Steve tries to find his biological mother

90210 S1E22: Home Again

In this episode, Jim’s company wants to transfer him back to Minneapolis. He agrees to let the family vote, but then throws their decision out the window when the company offers to double his salary. The whole ep is basically one long goodbye, and the only interesting thing that happens is that Andrea offers herself to Brandon. He is unsure at first, but then decides to go for it. They make out a little, then plan to have sex in the Peach Pit after hours. It's what every girl dreams of.

Unfortunately, after all this buildup nothing happens. Andrea goes to Kelly for advice about sex and Kelly, who is apparently a cock-blocker AND a slut, decides to throw the Walsh family a surprise going-away party at the Peach Pit instead. Seeing how happy his family is in Beverly Hills, Jim relents and decides not to take the promotion. Everyone cheers.

Except Brenda, who turns to Dylan and says, “I’m late.” Yikes!

90210 S1E21: Spring Dance

I don’t have a lot in me today, so here we go…

Andrea asks Brandon if he’s going to the dance.
Brandon says no, so they make plans to watch a movie at her place.
Kelly asks Brandon to the dance.
Brandon says no, but she convinces him to go.
Andrea is crushed.
Steve wants to ask Kelly to the dance.
When he realizes she is going with Brandon, he is crushed.
Kelly tells him to ask Donna instead.

Donna buys a red dress with a hoop skirt straight out of Gone with the Wind.
Kelly and Brenda like the same dress, but each tells the other to buy it.
Of course, they both end up wearing the same dress and then get into a fight.

Kelly is voted a Spring Princess, and ends up winning Spring Queen.
Steve ignores Donna all night.
Donna’s skirt is so huge that she can’t sit down.
Dylan gets a hotel room and he and Brenda have sex (more on that later).
Kelly and Brandon make out in front of Steve.
But then Brandon tells her she’s like a sister to him.
Brandon tracks down Steve, who admits it’s his birthday.
And he’s adopted.
Kelly is the only one who knows, but she’s too self-centered to care about him.
Kelly tries to apologize, but Steve shuts her out.
At home, Andrea watches a movie called Prom Nightmare.
She drifts off and dreams that she kills everyone with a chainsaw.
So, she goes to the dance stag. Brandon says she looks beautiful.
In the end, they all do a little group dance in a circle.

Now: about Brenda’s first time. Remarkably, it seems like the most unimportant part of the whole episode. Dylan gets them a room in the hotel where the dance is held. They go upstairs. She’s nervous, but she’s totally ready. She even says that out loud. The next time we see them, she’s making the bed. They look exactly the same as they did before. Her hair is even still swept up in the same complicated hairstyle. In order to sell this, I think they should have been a little more mussed-up. Also, they don’t act any differently. Unlike many contemporary shows, there is no trace of doubt or regret or anything. It’s just…done.

90210 S1E20: Spring Training

This one obviously has something to do with baseball. I have a vague recollection of Brandon coaching a kids baseball team, and though I don’t actually remember this, I’m going to guess that one of the kids is being abused. That sounds just up 90210’s alley.

A cute shaggy dog follows Brenda home. Jim introduces Brandon and Steve to Franklin, the president of the West Beverly Hills Baseball League. Apparently the boys are coaching Little League. But, the first day out Jim hurts his back. Lucky for him, his family is totally unsympathetic. Did Shannen Doherty get a boob job? Obviously everyone on this show looks older than 17, but she suddenly looks 28 and has cleavage.

Steve is tough on a kid who picks his nose and Brandon feels bad for him. Davey, who belongs to Franklin, is energetic and eager to please. Steve is surprisingly good with the kids. Brandon keeps calling people “large guy” instead of “big guy.” What is that about?

Davey’s dad buys the team brand-new equipment, which weirds Brandon out. Brenda finds the shaggy dog eating the Walshes’ garbage. She tells him to go away, but is swayed by his cute little gaze. She decides to keep him, hides him in the garage, and names him Wally. When her parents find out, we learn that Brenda has had a string of problems with dogs, including leaving one outside during a Minnesota winter to freeze to death.

Meanwhile, Brandon has a run-in with a little brat named Noah, who belongs to the team mother. He also learns Nat is a coach for the Mid-City Parks & Rec Center, and Nat wants his kids to practice with Brandon’s kids. I sense some trouble coming between the haves and have-nots. Steve wants to trade the nose-picking kid to another team because he’s dead weight. West Beverly sure takes Little League seriously.

Nat brings his rag-tag bunch of kids to the park and the rich kids are all, “Pshaw, they don’t even have uniforms!” Brandon tries to teach the rich kids about respecting their opponents, but then Franklin says he doesn’t want the poor kids using the new equipment. Noah is a total jerk, so Brandon tries to eject him from the game but Steve goes against him. Brandon storms off the field, but he can’t quit because Jim still can’t move, so he agrees to stay until Jim is better.

When Brandon apologizes to Nat, he ends up with a job as a coach for Nat’s team. As I’m watching this, a dim memory is resurfacing: I think the dog belongs to one of these kids, and that’s why the kid is acting messed up. Maybe that explains why Noah is such a douche. Brandon enlists Dylan to help him run a baseball clinic for the poor kids. And though the kids get better, they’re still not great. So, the coaches recruit a ringer from the Valley that Andrea knows, named Avery, to be their pitcher. Meanwhile, Wally escapes from the garage.

After coaching Nat’s kids, Brandon shows up for the game as a coach for the West Beverly kids. Doesn’t that send a mixed message to the poor kids? Dylan fills in as assistant coach for the poor kids, and looks totally wrong in the outfit. I mean really:



When Avery shows up, it turns out that Avery is a GIRL! Shocking! At the end of the game, the worst player on Nat’s team is up to bat and Noah shouts all sorts of horrible things at him. So Davey, remembering Brandon’s advice about treating the other team with respect, throws a super easy pitch and the kid gets a hit. And with that, the rich kids get their little butts kicked.

Just then, Wally comes racing across the field and it turns out he belongs to the nose-picking kid. That icing was not really necessary on top of this cake.

90210 S1E19: April Is The Cruelest Month

Awww yeah! Matthew Perry! In this episode, Brandon meets a new guy, and this guy writes a short story about killing his dad. Brandon becomes convinced that he is going to do it, but the joke’s on Brandon because really the guy wants to kill himself. I have a vivid memory of Matthew Perry holding a gun to his head in a pool house. I feel like this is the first 90210 episode I ever saw, so perhaps I saw the ones I’ve remembered thus far in reruns. The other SDYW girls and I used to watch 90210 in syndication when we were in high school.

Wow. Matthew Perry is so young! Here, he plays an overachiever named Roger Azarian that Brandon wants to interview for the school paper. Everyone is waiting for their SAT scores, and Brenda gets 1190: 630 math, 560 verbal. So this is the one where they get the same score, only reversed. Brandon gets 560 math, 630 verbal. Kelly gets a 1050. And everyone acts like an 1190 is a terrific score, which I don’t remember being the case.

Donna acts really weird whenever anyone mentions the SATs, so it becomes clear that she either bombed or got a perfect score. Brandon goes to Roger’s mansion to interview him and sees all the trappings of a charmed life, including a case of antique guns. Roger’s dad is charismatic, but Roger is uncomfortable around him. None of this is said aloud, it is just made obvious in their interaction. Roger hates the way his dad is always pulling strings and charming people into doing things for him – getting him into college, getting him an agent, blah blah blah. There is mention of “Roger’s screenplay,” which Roger then allows Brandon to read.

The screenplay is about a guy, who sounds suspiciously like Roger, plotting to kill his father. The more Brandon reads, the more he becomes convinced that Roger is going to kill his father. He then proceeds to tell everyone under the sun. Andrea blows him off, saying everyone has the urge to kill their parents. Donna is still acting weird. They have a test in class, and Donna doesn’t write a single thing in her blue book. She just sits there looking like she’s going to cry and then pretends that she has to go to the nurse.

Outside, Kelly and Brenda see Donna smoking with the riff-raff in the parking lot. Brenda is indignant. We cut to Roger at his therapist’s office, and he goes on about how he wishes his dad were dead. He returns home and gets one of his father’s guns, then bursts into his father’s office and shoots him. It’s all very dramatic, but it’s not real. It’s just Brandon’s imagination running wild as he reads.

Brandon corners Roger and they go back to his place. Brenda corners Donna at Fred Segal and forces her to admit that she got a 600, and she thinks she’s an idiot. Plus, her mom has told her she better find a rich guy because she’s too stupid to take care of herself. Yikes! I suddenly remember something about Donna being dyslexic.

And there it is. A well-meaning guidance counselor actually talks to Donna and figures out that she has a learning disability. Donna is resistant at first, but once she takes her first oral test she realizes she has nothing to be ashamed of.

Back at Roger’s house, his dad is pissed because his son didn’t get into Stanford. This leads to a terrible fight, and that night Brandon confronts Roger and learns that he doesn’t want to kill his dad. He wants to kill himself. There is a very emotional scene in which Roger cries and points a gun at himself in front of Brandon, but Brandon talks him down. And of course, Roger’s dad sees the error of his ways as well. In the end, a weeklong friendship with Brandon changes Roger’s entire life. Bitch please!

90210 S1E18: It's Only A Test

I really hope this is the SAT one. But it might be the breast cancer one. If it’s the SAT one, all I really remember is that Brandon and Brenda get the same scores, but reversed. If it’s the breast cancer one, Brenda finds a lump in her breast and there’s a whole lot of freaking out, but it turns out to be nothing.

Steve wants Brandon to take an SAT prep course, but Brandon doesn’t want to. He claims you can’t study for the SATs. Andrea is freaking out because she’s bad at standardized tests. While the girls are studying for the SATs, Kelly reads a magazine article about checking for breast cancer, so the girls do it even though Donna says it’s “something her mom does.” Brenda feels something, though she pretends she doesn’t. First the SATs, now this. The girl doesn’t have enough to worry about?

At home, Brenda tells her mom. Her mom feels her and agrees that there is something there. Brenda doesn’t want her dad to know because she’s embarrassed. Poor thing. Cindy puts up a good front but you can tell she’s also worried. Brenda’s doctor is awesome. She has a biopsy done, and learns that her lump is not a cyst.



Andrea asks Steve if she can study for the SATs with him, wanting to take advantage of an SAT prep course that she can’t afford. Is this the one where they almost kiss? Oh yeah, this is totally it! While studying, Andrea ends up lying on Steve’s bed, and he tells her she’s cute without her glasses. Then he kisses her. Woah! They make out for a bit, and then Andrea freaks out and runs away. Steve is weirdly turned on, and spends a few seconds sort of screaming in frustration after she leaves.

Andrea’s pants start like two inches below her breasts. Ouch. Brandon tells her Brenda’s secret even though he absolutely should not be doing so. What is he thinking? I understand that he needs someone to talk to, but jeez. But Brenda also tells Kelly and Donna. Much like Summer on The OC, Kelly started as an airhead bitch and is now a good person and a really good friend.

Dylan grabs Brenda in the hallway and she loses it. He blames the SATs and she bursts into tears. He tells her it’s only a test, and she finally tells him what’s going on. Dylan says that he’ll go with her, but she doesn’t want him to. She thinks this has changed things between them. That’s kind of a weird reaction. And then Dylan says he loves her.

It’s kinda sad. This should be a huge momentous occasion, but Brenda is too preoccupied to fully comprehend it. Instead, she shoves him away and says, “You’re only saying that.” But, after letting the afternoon marinate a bit, Brenda calls Dylan and tells him she loves him. On his answering machine. I already know these two are doomed, but this is like the foreshadowing of doom.

And there’s more foreshadowing! Brenda dreams that she’s dead and everyone is taking the SATs.
Kelly’s question is: “The thing I most want Brenda to leave me in her will is…”
A. her red pumps
B. her porcelain doll collection
C. her turquoise earrings
D. her boyfriend

And guess what she chooses?

I haven’t had a ton of medical experience, but does your general practitioner usually do your surgery? That seems a little odd. Brenda has her lump removed while everyone else takes the SATs. Brandon is too distracted, though, so he walks out on the test. Dylan shows up after going to five hospitals because Brenda didn’t tell him where to go. Then they all go home and wait, until they finally get the call that everything is ok. Phew!

90210 S1E16: Fame Is Where You Find It

SDYW writer Alligator is visiting this weekend, so we’re tag-teaming this one: we’re both watching, but I’m writing and she’s embroidering. This is her memory: Brandon starts dating an actress after being asked to play a bit part on a TV show. And Brenda takes over his job at the Peach Pit and pretends to be some 1950s-esque waitress.

We open with some Brandon doing some fancy footwork on roller blades. And wearing huge blue kneepads. A kid in a black trench coat steals a woman’s purse and some girl calls him Kirk and threatens to turn him in. He pulls a switchblade. It’s all very serious… but it turns out they’re shooting an episode of a popular TV show. Apparently the guy cast as “surfer dude” is in the hospital with food poisoning, so when the director sees Brandon, they ask him to fill in.

I just looked down to type for a moment, and Alligator said, “Do you see this? Do you see this?” And I looked up and saw this:



Well actually, I saw a long shot of this outfit involving weird parachute pants. But it was hard to get a good photo of it. Yikes.

Anyway, Brandon meets the lead actress, Lydia, and falls for her. Shocking. He does a great job in his five seconds of fame, so they offer him a job as a recurring guest. Brenda is jealous because Keep It Together is her favorite show. Brandon asks Brenda to cover his shifts at the Peach Pit while he works on the show, and she’s a total bitch about it. But she does it anyway.

Nat tells Brandon not to get caught up in the “Hollywood hoopla,” so obviously he will. Brandon becomes super popular and girls fall all over him. A limo picks him up from school and people ask for his autograph. His first real day on the job, he is in a shot where he kisses Lydia about 100 times. And they pseudo-date, but Lydia is just using him to make her co-star and old boyfriend, Sean, jealous. Brandon is now 0 for 7. Alligator notes that he will continue to strike out until he meets Emily Valentine.



Brenda sucks as a waitress until she adopts the persona of Laverne, a ’50s-era career waitress complete with cat-eye glasses and a bad New York accent. Surprisingly, she’s great when she does this; she just needed a little confidence. She is straight outta Ed Debevics, for those who grew up in the Southwest.

90210 S1E15: Palm Springs Weekend

Apparently at this point I was just getting into 90210 … I had incredibly strong memory ties to the first two eps on this disc. The second two, I don’t recognize at all.

We open on Dylan and Brenda making out in his Porsche. He breaks the kiss and tells her he’s “dying.” They’ve been going out for two months and he’s been absolutely faithful to her but all he gets is “a bunch of promises and a lot of I’m sorry.” Poor Brenda apologizes and Dylan says, “Don’t be sorry. Be friendly.” What a dick. He then pressures her into having sex with him over Presidents Day weekend, a time when tradition deems that West Beverly High students go to Palm Springs.

When Steve’s plans fall through (his family’s second home is being fumigated), David gains serious points by offering up his grandparents’ mansion while they’re out of town. Brenda drives with Kelly and Donna, who plan to drop her off at Dylan’s hotel. David and Steve are in car #2. And Brandon is stuck at home because he has to work.

David gets a nasty shock when he finds his grandparents in their hot tub, and then gets embarrassed because they want to spend time with him. Also, they’re cooler than he is and his friends love them.

Brenda gets dropped off at the wrong hotel, and loses her wallet. A kind (attractive, male) hotel employee takes pity on her, and sets up a roll-away bed in a broom closet. Actually, he invites her to stay at his place, but she declines. Meanwhile, Dylan runs into an old (not so attractive, female) friend and when Brenda finally shows up at the right hotel, she finds Dylan and the girl in his room. So they get into a huge fight. Let’s just compare Brenda’s hotel employee and Dylan’s friend:



I think Brenda wins.

Regardless, she turns the tables and pressures Dylan right back, and the guy is totally shocked when she storms into his hotel room and demands that he take off his clothes so they can “get it over with.” Dylan says he doesn’t want to be pressured into it, and Brenda retorts, “Well now you know how it feels, don’t you?”

Back in Beverly Hills, Brandon is both irritated and charmed by Curtis, a mouthy blonde kid who spends an inordinate amount of time at the Peach Pit. Apparently the Peach Pit is supposed to be ridiculously cheap, because they make a point of showing Curtis paying for his meals in change. One night after closing up, Brandon realizes he has forgotten something and goes back inside only to find Curtis on a stool with his hand in the till.

Curtis admits that his family doesn’t have a place to live, and “people give us spare change so they don’t have to feel weird.” Brandon wraps up some food for him, and Curtis disappears into the night. I’m impressed – based on the 90210 I’ve seen thus far I would have expected Brandon to get mom a job waitressing at the Peach Pit. Although, he does tell Curtis to have his mom come in so they can “help or something.” Curtis just says, “I’ll be ok. Don’t worry.”

90210 S1E14: East Side Story

I’m not sure I remember this one; it doesn’t look familiar. But Debbie Gibson makes a cameo appearance!

Brandon arrives home one day to find their maid and an unfamiliar man having a hushed conversation with the Walsh parents. Upstairs, Brenda tells him that Jim’s new client is Chick Schneider, “the king kahuna of beach fashion,” and the Walsh family is throwing him a party at their house. Anna will be catering the party. Brandon disagrees. He thinks Anna’s being fired. When they traipse downstairs, Jim & Cindy tell the kids they’re going to let Anna’s niece Carla use their address to enroll in West Beverly. The strange man is Anna’s cousin Richard.

When Brandon meets Carla, he falls for her. Damn! For a supposed goody-two-shoes Brandon sure gets around. Brenda teases him about it, saying “every girl you meet suddenly becomes your next true love.” The funny thing is that the first time we see Carla, before we know who she is, it’s because Steve stops to gawk at her in the hall. I’m sorry, but this girl is totally not Steve’s type:



Also, she looks like she’s 14. Moments later, Dylan checks her out. Right in front of Brenda, who storms away in a huff. And Dylan longingly gazes back at Carla before chasing after Brenda. WTF? Seriously, Carla is not that attractive!

Carla plays hard to get, but Brandon is nothing if not persistent. On their first date she takes him to a community center where everyone is doing a synchronized dance. Girls in mom jeans & crop tops, guys in torn jeans & berets, all doing the same moves. This is one of those times when I long to know what the original song was, because I am quite sure it wasn’t this nonsense. And as much as I want to share this moment with you all, this is the best I can do:



Carla and Brandon start dating, but Richard is always lurking around and saying things like, “You better watch yourself, girl.” When Anna caters the Walsh party, Carla serves as a waitress. Even though she’s totally practical and professional about it, it freaks Brandon out to have the girl he likes waiting on him. Finally, after a bunch of weird innuendo about what’s going on, we learn that Carla witnessed a gang-related shooting, and Richard is a prosecutor who is trying to protect her. Carla tells Brandon she doesn’t expect anything from him, and that’s the end of that. Brandon is now 0 for 6 in the romance department. Whatta catch!

But wait! In the very end, as we cycle through each character to see how their part in this particular tale plays out, Brandon finds himself with Andrea. And…

B: I wish it could be like this with everyone.
A: Like what?
B: Like how we are with each other. Easy. Comfortable. Real.
A: Yeah, it’s nice.
B: I’m just glad we’re not attracted to each other. So we can always be friends. Good friends. Just friends.

OUCH! That would have been bad enough if it had stopped after “I’m just glad we’re not attracted to each other.” Did Brandon really need to beat that horse into a bloody pulp?

90210 S1E13: Slumber Party

Skeletons in the Closet! That is the first thing that popped into my mind when this ep began. The girls have a slumber party and some horrible mean girl shows up and forces them all to play Skeletons in the Closet. I remember lots of crying, and the mean girl totally has an eating disorder. I also recall Kelly's secret, but not anybody else. Meanwhile, the boys go out to pick up babes and meet two girls who end up stealing Steve’s car. They might be prostitutes, I’m not quite sure.

Brenda has a slumber party, though she calls it “an evening of female bonding.” The other girls are not into the idea of a night spent without boys, until they realize that they can stuff their faces and not worry about what they look like. Kelly invites her friend Amanda, a senior, but she worries that Amanda will think that it’s lame. The girls have a blast even though Amanda is a royal bitch. Also, I think she’s one of the Heathers. Though she keeps complaining about not wanting to be at the slumber party, she won’t leave. She’d rather just roll her eyes and make snarky comments. Eventually she convinces them to play Skeletons in the Closet.

Side note: I know that, much like other older shows to be released on DVD, a lot of the music for 90210 has been changed. I have to say that it really affects the experience of re-watching the show. I don’t recognize 90% of the songs, and in scenes where the music plays a big part – for example, in this ep when the girls dance like crazy – I often find myself distracted as I wonder what the original song might have been.

The girls ask Kelly about her first sexual experience and she describes an awkward, cute night with Steve. Then Amanda’s all, “Now tell the truth.” So Kelly tells a story about how she had sex with a “godly football stud” in the woods and though she wanted to do it, it wasn’t quite how she wanted it to happen. Amanda makes a point to tell the other girls this was “PNJ.” What’s that, you ask? “Pre-nose job.”

Next, it’s Andrea’s turn. Amanda and Kelly tell her the way she pronounces her name is pretentious. They ask who she wants her first time to be with, then force her to admit that it’s Brandon. Finally, once she is good and upset, they tell her “the whole school knows.”

Donna’s up. She has nothing to confess, and is embarrassed that she is so boring.

Finally, we have Brenda, who admits that back in Minneapolis she tried to steal her best friend’s boyfriend. Kelly, overcome with emotion, admits that she tried to make a date with Dylan after he and Brenda started dating. They start fighting, and then everyone else is suddenly screaming at each other. And then – just as quickly – they all make up. Amanda takes off, but leaves her purse behind. When Andrea goes to pick it up, she knocks it off the table and a bunch of pills fall out.

Amanda returns for her purse and accuses them of going through it. Kelly lectures her about the dangers of diet pills, and Amanda retorts that some people have to work at looking good. Apparently she was fat in middle school and swore she’d never be that way again. They tell her she’s beautiful and ask her to stay, and she gets all weepy and agrees. Donna goes to get some cookies from the kitchen, and Amanda says, “Bring the whole box.” It’s pretty ridiculous to imply that this girl can get over a serious eating disorder in three minutes, but whatever. 90210 deals with some great topics, but I wish the writers hadn’t felt like everything needed to be wrapped up with a bow at the end of each episode.

In the secondary storyline, Steve and Brandon meet two hot young things outside a club. The girls suggest they go to an empty parking lot, where Steve’s chickie convinces him to let her drive his car. Her friend then jumps in, and they speed off. Steve cries. Really, he does. It’s kind of cute. When the cops find track the girls down, they claim they got lost. Steve’s girl offers to “make it up to him” and Steve, thinking he might get sex out of it, decides not to press charges. And then he is sad, because all the girl does is give him a gift certificate for a free manicure. Nice.